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2002 Valentine Slam Winners (This year our guest judge is Fritz Holznagel, who has won an Emmy, a Jeopardy championship, and the hearts of millions. Fritz Holznagel is the editor-in-chief of Who2.com and lives in Belmont, Massachusetts.) Judges's choice awards Last year the popular theme for Valentine Slam submissions was corpulence, echoed in this highly popular couplet: "Your lips: beguiling, smile: seducing / your weight, however, needs reducing". This year, well, several alarming themes kept recurring: (1) Cheating with the beloved's sister / brother; (2) Foul-smelling teeth; (3) Foul-smelling feet; (4) Foul-smelling everything. Is this atavistic emphasis on cuckoldry and aroma a hint of what's ahead in the 21st century? If so, we don't want to know. Instead let's move right ahead to the six winners in the Judge's Choice awards for the 2002 Valentine Slam. And the winners are: 1. The Sir Paul McCartney Pop Culture Award Those words I spoke were true and grand But "I love U2"? I meant the *band* (Judge's note: This couplet gets 'the edge' for smart wordplay and a big finish.) 2. The Harding-Kerrigan Award To tell you what you mean to me Would get me bleeped on live TV (Judge's note: Mixes plainspoken grit with elegant meter and rhyme; the only entry to use the word 'bleeped.') 3. The Ham the Chimp / Liz Smith Award Calvin Klein, Dior, Chanel Still you can't disguise the smell (Judge's note: This was the cleverest of the 'aroma' entries.) 4. The Cartland / Clancy Storytelling Award At our wedding, my love, I lifted your veil and the FBI agents hauled you off to jail Submitted by Eugene Beckes of St. Ignatius, Montana. (Judge's note: This couplet briefly 'pulls back the veil' on a haunting, mysterious story and makes us yearn to know more.) 5. The Johnny Cash Belligerence Award If I were a carpenter and you were my lady I'd drink myself stupid and pretend I'm Slim Shady (Judge's note: In the true spirit of the old-time outlaw musicians, but with a 21st-century twist.) 6. The Queen Guinevere Award There's nothing I wouldn't do for you That I haven't done for your brothers too Submitted by Martin Smith. (Judge's note: The best of the mixed-affections entries; revelatory yet without insult.) People's choice awards Because our opinion's not the only one that counts, we developed a randomized voting booth to collect data on which couplets our users like best. We used this data to continually rerank the submissions by popularity. Based on the voting data received as of 12:00pm EST on Valentine's Day, the following six poems are the People's Choice winners of the 2002 Valentine Slam: They say true lovers needs time apart, I think today's a good time to start! 58 wins, 16 losses. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother 72 wins, 21 losses. Sweet and charming love of mine Find another valentine 73 wins, 23 losses. My love for you dear is forever, everlasting Is your sister single? I mean, I'm just asking. 50 wins, 16 losses. Submitted by Angelina from San Francisco, California. I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face 46 wins, 15 losses. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! 57 wins, 20 losses. Submitted by Lisa from New York. Honorable mentions For surrealism: I see you in the distance You look like a potato For tasteful raciness: You're handsome, funny and so sincere Hey buddy, hellooo... my eyes are up here. Submitted by Jennifer Gordon from Toronto, Ontario. For connectedness: You complete me like no other Except, of course, my Siamese brother For unabashed negativity: Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you're not For obscurity: You're good in bed, or so you say But I think you're a *Kenneth* Lay For harshness: Most beautiful places I only see you That's 'cause your fat butt is blocking the view All of this year's winners will receive packages of RhymeZone motivational refrigerator magnets, and their names will be posted here if they so desire. We received over 3,000 submissions for this year's Valentine Slam. That's remarkable for a contest with such an insultingly meager prize, refrigerator magnets. I want to thank everyone for contributing your wit and bitterness so selflessly to the cause of making people laugh. See you in 2003! Back to intro,   Voting booth,   Read all couplets,   2001 Winners

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