RhymeZone Valentine's Day Slam
Valentine's Day Slam
(This year our guest judge is
, who has won an Emmy, a Jeopardy championship, and the hearts of millions. Fritz Holznagel is the editor-in-chief of
and lives in Belmont, Massachusetts.)
Judges's choice awards
the popular theme for Valentine Slam submissions was corpulence, echoed in this highly popular couplet: "Your lips: beguiling, smile: seducing / your weight, however, needs reducing".
alarming themes kept recurring: (1) Cheating with the beloved's sister / brother; (2) Foul-smelling teeth; (3) Foul-smelling feet; (4) Foul-smelling everything. Is this atavistic emphasis on cuckoldry and aroma a hint of what's ahead in the 21st century? If so, we don't want to know. Instead let's move right ahead to the
six winners in the Judge's Choice awards
for the 2002 Valentine Slam. And the winners are:
1. The Sir Paul McCartney Pop Culture Award
Those words I spoke were true and grand
But "I love U2"? I meant the *band*
(Judge's note: This couplet gets 'the edge' for smart wordplay and a big finish.)
2. The Harding-Kerrigan Award
To tell you what you mean to me
Would get me bleeped on live TV
(Judge's note: Mixes plainspoken grit with elegant meter and rhyme; the only entry to use the word 'bleeped.')
3. The Ham the Chimp / Liz Smith Award
Calvin Klein, Dior, Chanel
Still you can't disguise the smell
(Judge's note: This was the cleverest of the 'aroma' entries.)
4. The Cartland / Clancy Storytelling Award
At our wedding, my love, I lifted your veil
and the FBI agents hauled you off to jail
of St. Ignatius, Montana. (Judge's note: This couplet briefly 'pulls back the veil' on a haunting, mysterious story and makes us yearn to know more.)
5. The Johnny Cash Belligerence Award
If I were a carpenter and you were my lady
I'd drink myself stupid and pretend I'm Slim Shady
(Judge's note: In the true spirit of the old-time outlaw musicians, but with a 21st-century twist.)
6. The Queen Guinevere Award
There's nothing I wouldn't do for you
That I haven't done for your brothers too
. (Judge's note: The best of the mixed-affections entries; revelatory yet without insult.)
People's choice awards
Because our opinion's not the only one that counts, we developed a
randomized voting booth
to collect data on which couplets our users like best. We used this data to
continually rerank the submissions by popularity
. Based on the voting data received as of 12:00pm EST on Valentine's Day, the following six poems are the People's Choice winners of the 2002 Valentine Slam:
They say true lovers needs time apart,
I think today's a good time to start!
58 wins, 16 losses.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
72 wins, 21 losses.
Sweet and charming love of mine
Find another valentine
73 wins, 23 losses.
My love for you dear is forever, everlasting
Is your sister single? I mean, I'm just asking.
50 wins, 16 losses.
from San Francisco, California.
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
46 wins, 15 losses.
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
57 wins, 20 losses.
from New York.
I see you in the distance
You look like a potato
For tasteful raciness
You're handsome, funny and so sincere
Hey buddy, hellooo... my eyes are up here.
from Toronto, Ontario.
You complete me like no other
Except, of course, my Siamese brother
For unabashed negativity
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not
You're good in bed, or so you say
But I think you're a *Kenneth* Lay
Most beautiful places I only see you
That's 'cause your fat butt is blocking the view
All of this year's winners will receive packages of RhymeZone motivational refrigerator magnets, and their names will be posted here if they so desire.
We received over 3,000 submissions for this year's Valentine Slam. That's remarkable for a contest with such an insultingly meager prize, refrigerator magnets. I want to thank everyone for contributing your wit and bitterness so selflessly to the cause of making people laugh. See you in 2003!
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Copyright © 2003 Datamuse