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"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to
admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always
looks the best."
"Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else."
"You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every
war they kill you in a new way."
"Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we
have rushed through life trying to save."
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock."
"Even if you"re on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit
"Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects."
"I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out
with twenty-eight years ago."
"Politics is applesauce."
"There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government
working for you."
"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as
when the baby gets hold of a hammer."
"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only
nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does."
"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
"We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap
as they go by."
"An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out."
"Nothing you can't spell will ever work."
"The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf."
"See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails?"
"Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to
happen to us with both a Senate and a House?"
"Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators."
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and
"The more you observe politics, the more you've got to admit that each
party is worse than the other."