Document:  All > Shakespeare > Histories > King Henry IV, part I > Act III, scene III


FALSTAFF: Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last
	action? do I not bate? do I not dwindle? Why my
	skin hangs about me like an like an old lady's loose
	gown; I am withered like an old apple-john. Well,
	I'll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some
	liking; I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I
	shall have no strength to repent. An I have not
	forgotten what the inside of a church is made of, I
	am a peppercorn, a brewer's horse: the inside of a
	church! Company, villanous company, hath been the
	spoil of me.

BARDOLPH: Sir John, you are so fretful, you cannot live long.

FALSTAFF: Why, there is it: come sing me a bawdy song; make
	me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman
	need to be; virtuous enough; swore little; diced not
	above seven times a week; went to a bawdy-house once
	in a quarter--of an hour; paid money that I
	borrowed, three of four times; lived well and in
	good compass: and now I live out of all order, out
	of all compass.

BARDOLPH: Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs
	be out of all compass, out of all reasonable
	compass, Sir John.

FALSTAFF: Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life:
	thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in
	the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the
	Knight of the Burning Lamp.

BARDOLPH: Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm.

FALSTAFF: No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it as many
	a man doth of a Death's-head or a memento mori: I
	never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire and
	Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his
	robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way
	given to virtue, I would swear by thy face; my oath
	should be 'By this fire, that's God's angel:' but
	thou art altogether given over; and wert indeed, but
	for the light in thy face, the son of utter
	darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in the
	night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou
	hadst been an ignis fatuus or a ball of wildfire,
	there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a
	perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light!
	Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and
	torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt
	tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast
	drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap
	at the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have
	maintained that salamander of yours with fire any
	time this two and thirty years; God reward me for

BARDOLPH: 'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!

FALSTAFF: God-a-mercy! so should I be sure to be heart-burned.

	[Enter Hostess]

	How now, Dame Partlet the hen! have you inquired
	yet who picked my pocket?

Hostess: Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? do you
	think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched,
	I have inquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy
	by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of a hair
	was never lost in my house before.

FALSTAFF: Ye lie, hostess: Bardolph was shaved and lost many
	a hair; and I'll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go
	to, you are a woman, go.

Hostess: Who, I? no; I defy thee: God's light, I was never
	called so in mine own house before.

FALSTAFF: Go to, I know you well enough.

Hostess: No, Sir John; You do not know me, Sir John. I know
	you, Sir John: you owe me money, Sir John; and now
	you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I bought
	you a dozen of shirts to your back.

FALSTAFF: Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to
	bakers' wives, and they have made bolters of them.

Hostess: Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight
	shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir
	John, for your diet and by-drinkings, and money lent
	you, four and twenty pound.

FALSTAFF: He had his part of it; let him pay.

Hostess: He? alas, he is poor; he hath nothing.

FALSTAFF: How! poor? look upon his face; what call you rich?
	let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks:
	Ill not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker
	of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn but I
	shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a
	seal-ring of my grandfather's worth forty mark.

Hostess: O Jesu, I have heard the prince tell him, I know not
	how oft, that ring was copper!

FALSTAFF: How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup: 'sblood, an
	he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he
	would say so.

	[Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF
	meets them playing on his truncheon like a life]

	How now, lad! is the wind in that door, i' faith?
	must we all march?

BARDOLPH: Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.

Hostess: My lord, I pray you, hear me.

PRINCE HENRY: What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy
	husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.

Hostess: Good my lord, hear me.

FALSTAFF: Prithee, let her alone, and list to me.

PRINCE HENRY: What sayest thou, Jack?

FALSTAFF: The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras
	and had my pocket picked: this house is turned
	bawdy-house; they pick pockets.

PRINCE HENRY: What didst thou lose, Jack?

FALSTAFF: Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of
	forty pound apiece, and a seal-ring of my

PRINCE HENRY: A trifle, some eight-penny matter.

Hostess: So I told him, my lord; and I said I heard your
	grace say so: and, my lord, he speaks most vilely
	of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said
	he would cudgel you.

PRINCE HENRY: What! he did not?

Hostess: There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.

FALSTAFF: There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed
	prune; nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn
	fox; and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the
	deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing,

Hostess: Say, what thing? what thing?

FALSTAFF: What thing! why, a thing to thank God on.

Hostess: I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou
	shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife: and,
	setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to
	call me so.

FALSTAFF: Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say

Hostess: Say, what beast, thou knave, thou?

FALSTAFF: What beast! why, an otter.

PRINCE HENRY: An otter, Sir John! Why an otter?

FALSTAFF: Why, she's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not
	where to have her.

Hostess: Thou art an unjust man in saying so: thou or any
	man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou!

PRINCE HENRY: Thou sayest true, hostess; and he slanders thee most grossly.

Hostess: So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day you
	ought him a thousand pound.

PRINCE HENRY: Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound?

FALSTAFF: A thousand pound, Ha! a million: thy love is worth
	a million: thou owest me thy love.

Hostess: Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would
	cudgel you.

FALSTAFF: Did I, Bardolph?

BARDOLPH: Indeed, Sir John, you said so.

FALSTAFF: Yea, if he said my ring was copper.

PRINCE HENRY: I say 'tis copper: darest thou be as good as thy word now?

FALSTAFF: Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare:
	but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the
	roaring of a lion's whelp.

PRINCE HENRY: And why not as the lion?

FALSTAFF: The king is to be feared as the lion: dost thou
	think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an
	I do, I pray God my girdle break.

PRINCE HENRY: O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy
	knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith,
	truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine; it is all
	filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest
	woman with picking thy pocket! why, thou whoreson,
	impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in
	thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of
	bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of
	sugar-candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket
	were enriched with any other injuries but these, I
	am a villain: and yet you will stand to if; you will
	not pocket up wrong: art thou not ashamed?

FALSTAFF: Dost thou hear, Hal? thou knowest in the state of
	innocency Adam fell; and what should poor Jack
	Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I
	have more flesh than another man, and therefore more
	frailty. You confess then, you picked my pocket?

PRINCE HENRY: It appears so by the story.

FALSTAFF: Hostess, I forgive thee: go, make ready breakfast;
	love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy
	guests: thou shalt find me tractable to any honest
	reason: thou seest I am pacified still. Nay,
	prithee, be gone.

	[Exit Hostess]

	Now Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery,
	lad, how is that answered?

PRINCE HENRY: O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to
	thee: the money is paid back again.

FALSTAFF: O, I do not like that paying back; 'tis a double labour.

PRINCE HENRY: I am good friends with my father and may do any thing.

FALSTAFF: Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and
	do it with unwashed hands too.

BARDOLPH: Do, my lord.

PRINCE HENRY: I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.

FALSTAFF: I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find
	one that can steal well? O for a fine thief, of the
	age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am
	heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for
	these rebels, they offend none but the virtuous: I
	laud them, I praise them.


BARDOLPH: My lord?

PRINCE HENRY: Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, to my
	brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.

	[Exit Bardolph]

	Go, Peto, to horse, to horse; for thou and I have
	thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.

	[Exit Peto]

	Jack, meet me to-morrow in the temple hall at two
	o'clock in the afternoon.
	There shalt thou know thy charge; and there receive
	Money and order for their furniture.
	The land is burning; Percy stands on high;
	And either we or they must lower lie.


FALSTAFF: Rare words! brave world! Hostess, my breakfast, come!
	O, I could wish this tavern were my drum!



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