Document:  All > Quotations > [A] > Woody Allen


"I am at two with nature."



"I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty
 minutes.  It involves Russia."



"Thought:  Why does man kill?  He kills for food.  And not only food:
frequently there must be a beverage."



"If only God would give me some clear sign!  Like making a large
deposit in my name in a Swiss bank.



"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there
when it happens."



"Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?"



"If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil.  But
the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an
underachiever."



"Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends."



"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads.  One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness.  The other, to total
extinction.  Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly."



"On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just
as easily lying down."



"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons."



"My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."



"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...  I want to
achieve it through not dying."



"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the
 roller of an electric typewriter?"



"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam;
 I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."



"It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry
 a tune."



"It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly
 not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off."



"It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.  The good ones
 slept better...  while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much
 more."



"Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable."



"Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness."



"There are worse things in life than death.  Have you ever spent an
 evening with an insurance salesman?"



"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?  In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet."



"I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard
enough to find your way around Chinatown."



"I tended to place my wife under a pedestal."



"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.  They rented out
my room."



"What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?  Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?"



"Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it."



"To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."



"Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year
and spends very little on office supplies."



"Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over
much too soon."



"How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist
and shirt size?"



"As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's
so hard to figure out how to get the bark on."



"Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is
finite.  This is a very comforting thought-- particularly for
people who can never remember where they have left things."



"Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all."



"His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy."



"Eighty percent of success is showing up."



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